Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Own your Freak Flag

So as I was getting ready for work this morning I had a lot on my mind (shocker). :) I was thinking about how my sister and used to joke about freak flags. For example when I was single and going to BYU I would tell her about new guys/dates and if they had a freak flag out flying on the first date. Let me be more specific... we all have a freak flag. Every single one of us. Deny it if you want, but you have one. I promise you do... It's that one thing that maybe makes us a little freaky, cooky, whether it be something about your personality, or something in your family. It's probably not your finest quality, but because we are all flawed you have one. Some people are more apt to share their freak flags right away (I highly discourage doing this on a first date if your single and ever want to get married. I met some freaks in college that waved that flag a little too high & quickly got their first and last date all in one night. Score) and then there are others who are more reserved, embarrassed, worried about being judged, etc. Whether you are the first type of person or the second type of person- I think it is crucial to accept or 'own' our own personal freak flags. Heck, it's not easy, it's not fun, I mean who likes to take a look at their own flaws and think "Yea, I am gonna rock this freak flag of mine today and own it like no other..." But this I can tell you. The moment you do and accept yourself for how God designed you it is such a freeing moment. Whether you maybe secretly suffer from OCD, depression, maybe you are bi-polar, have a tail growing out of your back, seven toes, or whatever it is. Accept it. Own it. That is what makes 'You' YOU. That is how God made you. For whatever reason, those are the challenges he gave you personally and the sooner you accept it and learn to cope with whatever it is, the sooner you will find happiness.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Guess What... I have OCD.

So today I came out on facebook. Haha, not like that silly. However, I did come out with the fact that I have been diagnosed with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.) I was formally diagnosed in the winter of 2011, so a little bit over a year ago. And just like I have read from other OC sufferers it was so dramatic that I now view my life in two halves- every event up until that point and every event/day past that point. Or as I like to joke to myself, before I went coo-coo. :) Now looking back I realize that my OCD started when I was younger, but I didn't know exactly what was going on. I had some of the more common sides of OCD rituals that you probably hear about- Certain rituals I did while walking on sidewalks/over cracks, locking doors, etc. I think most people who hear about OCD think that is what it is all about. You know, kinda like the show True Life- I have OCD on MTV. Well, while those things may be true there is also a lot more to it. OCD is a very complex and frightening disease. I want to make note that from the research I have done the onset of OCD usually begins during childhood, but will many times ease up and almost go away through your young adult years. Then in your late 20's early 30's it will rear it's ugly head again. This is how it was for me. I have decided that if I talk about my OCD like I did my eating disorder that maybe it will actually help make things better. I mean don't we all feel better when we help other people? So I guess in a way maybe this makes me kind of selfish? Either way, I think it is refreshing for all of us to hear that 'so and so' is not perfect and is human after all. Actually, I think that is huge. I know for me that is one thing that has helped me battle this stupid thing on a day to day basis. Finding others that could relate to me and didn't think I was bat sh*t crazy! And here we are today. Day 1 of me starting up this blog again. Physical problems, mental problems, we all have them. Just some different than others. In this first post I just want to walk you through a typical OCD episode that I might go through on any given day. Although any thing can trigger an episode, here is just one example I will share. I am going to write about the type of OCD that you don't normally hear about. It has nothing to do with washing my hands. :) When Logan was first born we found out that he had pretty bad acid reflux. His pediatrician put him on some medicine that I would give him twice a day. That way we could keep him on a strict schedule, 12 hours a part each dose. Well, one morning I forgot to give him his dose and later that day when I remembered I went into complete panic mode. Not your typical panic you might feel as a parent, but extreme, obsessive, scary panic. My first thought was that Logan was going to get sick from missing that dose. So what do I do first, google. BIG MISTAKE. After a couple hours of googling everything under the sun about acid reflex I came across some literature saying how extreme cases of acid reflux could lead to throat cancer. And then it happened. It starts in my toes and moves up my entire body. It is like a lightening bolt of anxiety, my heart starts beating out of my chest, my palms start sweating, I get dizzy, it becomes hard to breathe, and the train of thoughts start rolling in like severe summer night thunderstorm. The first thought is WHAT IF? That is where OCD always starts. What if this? What if that? What if Logan missing that does suddenly gave him throat cancer. Cue the tears strolling down my face. I am the worst mother ever, how could I forget that dose, how could I let him down like that, how, how, how?!?!? All within five seconds my son suddenly has been diagnosed with throat cancer. Next comes extreme guilt and even more what ifs. What if the cancer already formed, what if there is one cell getting cancer because of that missed dose? What if its already spread. (You get the picture- sounds crazy right.) So here I am having this full on extreme soap opera going on in my head that seems like reality. It is heart wrenching. Wrenching to the point of wanting to jump out of your own skin. So while the world is still going on around me, I am caught inside this whirlwind tornado inside my head that no one even knows about. I try to hide it, but sometimes I will just stare off in the distance because I can't even concentrate. My mind will run a thousand miles a minute, and this horrible thought is stuck on repeat that my son has throat cancer and worst of all it is all my fault!!! That damn record player is broke. Over and over and over and over again is that thought. There hasn't been one five minute period of this entire day where I haven't thought about this. Something has to be done I tell myself. I can't deal with this anxiety. So after three phone calls to the after-hours doctor and a surprise pop-in visit to Logan's pediatrician, and 15 hours of online research later- I am finally convinced Logan is fine. He does not have throat cancer. Welcome to my life. This is how it is on a weekly basis. My therapist calls them episodes and I sometimes can go through about twenty different kinds of these in one week. It is exhausting. Mentally it's exhausting and physically, because that kind of anxiety for me causes extreme insomnia. The minute I finally wade myself through one episode it is only to be greeted by the next. So anytime in-between I just thank my lucky stars for a break. However, I am happy to report my episodes are doing better. I even have gone a few weeks in-between having them which is a HUGE success in my eyes. But here you have it, just a glimpse into a day in the life. You don't realize how much power your mind has over you. It really is true that saying... "You are what you think." More to come....

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Logan Ryan Hargett

Our baby boy is finally here, and he is perfect in every way!!!! He was born on Friday, February 17th, 2012 at 12:34 am. Here is a picture of me and Logan on his birthday. (He was almost 3 weeks early and still weighed 7 lbs 10 oz.) We love our little guy so very much!!! He is simply a gift from God and the love of our lives!!

I will write more soon. :)

Sunday, August 28, 2011

2nd trimester belly!

Well, 2nd trimester is here on Tuesday. YAY! Here is a pic of my growing belly. Enjoy!!! (Still in shock....never seen my stomach like this!)

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Yes I am still alive....:)

So I am definitely slacking on the blog posts, but I have a pretty good excuse! And yes, to those of you on facebook, I am taking a hiatus. Poor Chris keeps getting messages and posts wondering why oh why I would deactivate my account. Quick answer, blogs and twitter are easier. You come and go as you please. Facebook was getting to be too much work. You get messages and posts (which are all great, I love keeping up with people) but nowadays, my focus is on just making it through the next two weeks to my 2nd trimester. I started to feel guilty not writing people back and well I just said screw it for now. I am too dang sick. (P.S. I will more than likely be making me blog private in the near future, so text me or email me if you want an invite. Maybe it's the hormones, but I don't want the whole world to be able to read my blog. Too many freaks out there!)

On to that subject, I never knew pregnancy could be so hard!!! I don't know what I thought it would be like, but I just thought my belly would pop, and then a kid would pop out in 9 months. Bahahahaha, that is SOOOO not the case! And whoever the heck called it "morning sickness" is a freaking moron. Apparently, HE who has never been pregnant had no freaking idea. For me it has been morning, mid-morning, afternoon, mid-afternoon, evening, late evening, middle of the night, early morning, sickness. You get the drift. The queasiness never ends and the puking and dry-heaving is miserable. However, I have gotten really talented at throwing up and driving. :) I keep preggie pops at my desk, in my car, in my purse, and puke bags in my car at all times. It's crazy how people say that the only thing that keeps queasiness at bay is eating, but it's so true! That is the only thing that really helps me....Lots of small meals throughout the day.

Haven't had any totally bizarre cravings yet. I still live and die by sausage and egg biscuits from Mickey D's and I love my toast with jelly! I have pretty much cut caffeine and diet coke out of my diet. I limit myself to one a day....Which is a HUGE 180. If you know me well, I got all of my water derived from coke products before. Well not anymore. It is pretty cool how the maternal side of you kicks in. The moment I found out I was pregnant, I started drinking water and juice like it was going out of style. However, it makes me appreciate some soda. When I do drink it, I savor every sip. :)

What else? Oh yea, my freaking amazing husband! We celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary last weekend and Chris's 32nd birthday this week. He is such a trooper! My sickness has put a damper on pretty much all plans, but we got to be together and that's all that matters. I seriously don't know how I would survive without Chris. Especially pregnant. There is no way I could get through this without someone that loves me to the Nth degree and vice versa. Wow. We have always had a strong marriage, but knowing that we have created something together is simply a miracle. Chris is going to be the best father. He already is....The way he takes care of me and that baby inside me is so beautiful. Yes, I am getting sappy, but there is really no other way to put it. Chris Hargett- I don't know if you read my blog, but I am one heck of a lucky girl to be with you and have your child. I love you sweetheart.

Friday, July 29, 2011

The Day the World Stood Still...

On Saturday, July 16th- Chris and I found out we are going to be parents for the very first time. :) Wow.....I think we still just look at each other and are in disbelief.

I had some symptoms that led me to think I could be pregnant, but the night before the test, I just knew. (A huge sign- I don't usually wake up at 3 am to throw-up and dry heave.) So on Saturday I had Chris go get a test, and we waited the three minutes. I left the test in the bathroom, and made him go with me to look at the results. I was so nervous!

This will be a short post for now, but we have heard the heart beat and even have a glamor shot of our little surprise inside of me! (I'll post some pics later.) We are thrilled!!!! Due date for baby Hargett is March 6th! We couldn't be more happy or grateful! YAY!!!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Where does the time go??

So Chris and I's 4 year anniversary is coming up on August 6th. The best day of my life. I got all nastolgic today and went through some fun pics from our wedding and honeymoon. I am just so grateful....Not quite sure what I did for God to bless me with someone like you....Love you babe!